TREMORS 4 : Three Tremors too many!

OK...these past few weeks I've been busy with various things...wondering when the new baby would arrive, fixing my car, going to the hospital for the birth of lil' Em, worrying about my physical state (turns out that I'm still ok), and learning how to care for a little child (it's awesome when they cuddle up to you...)...during these past 4 weeks, I always found myself up at about 2am on Friday watching the Space channel's Friday Fright movie.

Three weeks ago it was Tremors. You all remember Tremors right? It was that 1990 horror flic starring Kevin Bacon, Kris Kristofferson, Reba McIntyre, and Michael Gross (Michael Keaton from Family Ties fame). It involved this little run down town in the middle of the desert called Perfection that ended up getting terrorized by these giant elephant-sized man-eating car-crushing house-demolishing worms that lived underground. They hunted by feeling the vibrations of where you walked. Great flick! Scary the first time you see it. And incredibly creative. Recommend it for anyone who hasn't seen it.

Two weeks ago, on the same channel I find Tremors 2:Aftershock. I've seen this "straight to video" movie before expecting a good time...my first clue that it wasn't going to be a wild ride was that the only star to reprise a role was Michael Gross. We're in the same town again. This time the underground monsters are back...this time they're called Graboids (horrible name)...and this time the worms turn out to just be pods that give birth to packs of these two legged hyena things that hunt by sound only. Yes...it gets worse. These little two legged things multiply a la Gremlins except when you feed them...and that they apparently can sense heat like infrared. So...this was a bad movie that should've killed the series...it didn't...it got much worse.

One week ago: I'm surprised to see Tremors 3: Back to Perfection. Michael Gross is back in Perfection to find that the town has gone Graboid crazy!!! The town has turned into a cheap promotion spot luring tourists to catch a glimpse of the worms like looking for whales on the ocean. So the worms are back...so are the little hyena things...and THEY mutate into these flying creatures which are called...I couldn't make this up..."Ass-Blasters" because they can now fly and shoot fire from their butts. It ends with the last Ass-Blaster being eaten by a friendly albino Graboid...yes...you read that right. That should've been the end of this crazy series...but it wasn't...sigh...

Tonight...lo and behold...Tremors 4: The Legend Begins. But it really shouldn't have. We go back to somewhere in the 1800s and the town of Perfection (called Rejection) has a silver mine owned by the ancestor of Michael Gross's earlier character...also played by Michael Gross. The mine is attacked by the worms for the first time EVER!!! (Forget about the first movie that was supposed to be the first time...this one is the REAL first forgotten time) Yep...predictable...boring...and I can't believe I watched the whole thing...and a little part of me has died inside.

And get this!!! There's a Tremors 5 in the works...if there's a God in Heaven...or some kind of higher being watching over us like the Director in the Truman Show...or a grand and great Wizard of Oz...please oh please don't let this movie happen...I beg of you!!!!

End rant.

RUSH HOUR 3: Three Times Rushier

Now...this is a movie to end my summer list on.

OK. So we've got a fifty-something martial arts star who moves better than your average twenty year old, a sometimes funny comedian who does a bang on Michael Jackson impression, stunts that would make you cringe, and a lot of broken english, french, and Cantonese...mix this all in a bowl...and what have you got? If you said Jackie Chan's new movie Rush Hour 3, you read the title of this review.

I like Jackie Chan...let me get that out of the way first. Ever since Rumble in the Bronx (and classics like Legend of the Drunken Master), he's been my go-to guy for action. I won't even deduct points for his singing ability. "He sings?" You say. Yes, sez I. He's been a fixture in Hong Kong new years parties for years...and he sings in this movie...in English! And it's pretty bad...but it works because Chan still milks it with comic precision.

However, he appears to have lost a step with his martial arts skills. Either that or he didn't want to try as hard this time around. Either way, watch any of his other movies for better action sequences.

Christ Tucker, on the other hand, shines in this movie. This is his best portrayal of the "cop/duck out of water" role. He even dishes out some nifty one-liners like "Don't make me kick the puberty out of you." (funnier in context). And the mildly amusing exchange between Tucker, Sensei Yu, and one of his students named Mi is reminiscent of the old Abbot and Costello's Who's On First routine. Also, Tucker seems to have picked up a LOT of martial arts skills since we last saw him (probably helped along with clever editing and sped up filming)...still, it makes him look good.

Question is: would this movie been successful without Jackie Chan? No!!! He gets you in the door to watch it. Would this movie been successful without Tucker? Hell no! In this movie, Tucker's the reason you stay in your seat. But if this was five years ago, Jackie alone would've carried this movie.

One last noodler: Has Jackie's star begun to fall? I'd say yes but it doesn't mean he still can't give you a good ride like in this movie...but wait for the rental.

Overall rating: 7 Jackie Chan broken bones out of 10

An Overcooked Pile of Bean

My last movie of the summer...my final hurrah to close out this year's list...I wanted to go out with a bang...I thought that a movie with an old favourite was a safe bet.

Well...I was wrong...sadly.

After watching Mr. Bean's Holiday, it has become painfully obvious that the once fresh, hilarious, and tasty Mr. Bean has grown old and stale. The once lovable character who we adore because of his bumbling pantomime way of over-complicating simple tasks has been reduced to a thoughtless rude but still oblivious bumbling fool. In Bean's hey-day, Rowan Atkinson successfully made this character endearing but those moments are few and far between here.

The movie follows Mr. Bean on his trip to Cannes where he meets this boy on a train who's lost his dad (thanks to the inconsiderate mishaps of Bean). The story follows Bean trying to reunite the kid to his father who's also a judge at the Cannes Film Festival. All the while Bean videos every misstep on a digital video camera he's won (with the world's LARGEST memory card I gather...since he's videotaping several days straight).

Not to say there aren't some sweet funny parts in the movie. Two notables are the ending when his video is spliced into an big headed director's (Willem Dafoe of Spiderman's Goblin fame) indy film, and when Bean is dancing in a farmer's market to raise money to get him and the kid to Cannes.

However, Mr. Bean is better served in small doses and doesn't translate well on the big screen. Mr. Bean's Holiday is still a better flic than his last horrendous one in the 90's, but if you want to see Mr. Bean in his prime, take the time and watch some of his classic shorts...I'd recommend the Christmas one where he gets his head caught in a turkey...exactly how I'd like to remember him.

4.2 cans of Bean out of 10.

PS To make up for this poor last movie, I'm going back to watch Rush Hour 3...it couldn't be any worse right?

The Ultimate: Bourne or not to Bourne?

So it's usually a bad idea to jump into a movie series third one in. You get this feeling of "WTF?" and feel like you're spending the whole movie catching up.

That's what I felt like in this third installment of the Bourne series. This isn't a bad thing...just a fault of my own going in because this is one heck of a crazy action movie. Now let me take you back a few years (cue jazzy background music):

The year 2002...or 2003...forget which. The location...my living room in Brampton, Ontario. Nineteen floors up on a crisp spring evening. I pop in the first Bourne movie: The Bourne Identity. I don't do this because I thought the previews were intriguing. No. I wasn't a Matt Damon fan...and I couldn't take him seriously as an action star after his affiliation with Kevin Smith (Chasing Amy, and Dogma). I marked him as a talented yet moderately interesting celebrity. No...Matt Damon was not the reason I popped in the movie. I put it in because I loved the book. I enjoyed the premise of a guy waking up with no memory but all these skills to survive and thwart enemies. A book I read back in high school after I picked up an old 1970's copy at a used book store.
So I start to watch and find myself wondering if they should've renamed the movie the "Bored Identity". I didn't even finish the first one.
Because of this I skipped Bourne Supremacy and planned on skipping this one too.

Back to present: A couple good friends invite us out to see it. Their enthusiasm was tough to dismiss...maybe I was wrong about these movies?

The verdict: Exceptionally entertaining. Intense action. And Matt Damon can pull off a bonafide action star...I even thought at one point that Jason Bourne would be the one person on Earth capable of out bad-assing Jack Bauer of 24...and that's a level I don't through around lightly (See my review on Live Free or Die Hard).

One recommendation though: Either watch the other two movies or read the books before going in. You don't want to play catch up for this one. But even if you haven't followed the story up to this one, at least you'll be entertained with action sequences with an intensity the likes of which you've never seen.

Now excuse me while I go a borrow Bourne Supremacy and Bourne Identity to give those a second try...

7.6 memory flashbacks out of 10 (For those who hadn't seen the previous two movies)

8.5 overthrown conspirators out of 10 (For those who have)

Avg: 8.05 Matt Damon grimaces out of 10

SUPERBAD...or Knocked Up: The Prequel

12:40am Monday, Aug 20, 2007 | Edit Note | Delete

To call "Superbad" this generation's "American Pie" is to be generous...but there are a LOT of similarities...and that doesn't mean this isn't funny. Superbad is a freakin' riot! I would put it on the same level as Knocked Up but with good reason: it's written by the same guy, Seth Rogan.

As matter of fact, the main character's in both movies (Ben played by Seth Rogan in "Knocked up"; and Seth played by Jonah Hill as a young Seth Rogan in "Superbad") could be the same guy...except one is a juvenile, pot smoking, beer guzzling, sex loving partier...and the other is in Superbad (Hey-oooo!!!).

Seriously, Superbad has scenes that could rival American Pie in hilarity (anything involving McLovin is brilliant), grossness (the er...not so subtle nod to a lady's monthlies), and one scene that steals the show (the thing I'd like to call "The Penis Montage").

However, there's a lot of heart in this movie. Behind all the crassness of being a teen trying to get drunk and laid, this is a buddy movie between two best friends. A sort of Thelma and Louise for teenage guys. Seth (the character) and Evan (his best friend) engage in an adventure to overcome young awkwardness around girls and strive for that holy grail. Do they get there? You've got to watch the movie.

Like in Knocked Up (and American Pie), there are a lot of strong female characters from Evan's crush, Becca, to Seth's target, Jules, as the girl throwing the party. These aren't cookie cutter girls just thrown in for plot. They're both nice rounded characters.

The one character that steals the show is McLovin (real name: Ed Fogel) played by Chris Mintz-Plasse. Every scene he is in is brilliant. He's the modern day Garth Algar thrown into a situation where he has to overcome his shy awkwardness and win the day (aka get booze). He shares most of his scenes with two hilarious and inept cops (played by Seth Rogan and SNL's Bill Hader) who use McLovin to recapture their youth one last time.

Superbad and Knocked Up could be completely interchangeable on the humour level. Both are great funny movies. What would make one funnier than the other is your demographic: if you're still in high school or university or still likes to party, Superbad is funnier. If you're a little older or about to start a family, Knocked Up would be your cup of tea. Still either way, neither one of them should be for kids...and you can't lose with either one.

8.5 McLovins out of 10

BEST...MOVIE...EVER!

From the opening credits where Homer stands up in a movie theatre declaring, "Why would anyone pay to see something that they can get for free on TV?" Then looks directly at the audience...I knew this was going to be something special. I felt like what Bart must've felt like to see the Itchy and Scratchy Movie (who, by the way, makes an appearance along with pretty much everyone else in Springfield). I felt like I was watching a defining movie of my generation.

The Simpsons movie not only lived up to my overbloated Comic-Book Guy expectations...it provided a seamless storyline riddled with machine-gun-like humour that I came to expect and love from the Simpsons. No avenue is safe from Homer, Bart, Lisa, Marge, and Maggie. Taking jabs at Al Gore ("An Irritating Truth"), President Bush ("I've been elected to lead, not read"), and organized religion ("There are no answers in this book."), you'll find yourself laughing like Dr. Hibbert.

Now...I'd love to go on a quote-fest from the movie...and like any great Simpsons episode...this won't take away from anything because the beauty of the Simpsons is that you can watch it over and over again without getting tired (at least Seasons 1-9). The delivery is so perfect. Having said that, I'm not going to quote every line of the movie...some things just deserve to be a surprise (sorry, Tara).

No funny movie since Office Space (or maybe as far back as Wayne's World) will spawn a slew of catchphrases which will be heard until the end of time. Such as "Spider-Pig" or "Thank you, Boob-lady!" or Ralph saying "I like men now." Or Bart: "This is the worst day of my life." and Homer replying "This is the worse day of your life SO FAR." (OK...I promise...I'll stop the quotes.)

So, if you're a fan of the Simpsons, irreverent satirical humour, or just like a good funny story with a lot of heart, this one's for you.

Just a side note to the writers: Writers...if you could pull off a brilliant piece of comic hilarity like this gem that would rival any early episode, why don't you invest some of that talent in the current episodes?

One last thing: stay during the credits...consider yourselves warned.

9.7 frames of Bart's Doodle out of 10 (consider yourselves warned again)

RATATOUILLE: A dish best served with popcorn

7:38pm Wednesday, Jul 18, 2007

Every once and awhile, a movie sneaks on to the list that I didn't intend on seeing. A movie that for some reason or another presented itself in a way where I don't have to spend money to watch it (someone offers to pay for the theatre ticket, ect...). A movie that I was borderline to add to the official list but decided to cut because I didn't have enough interest. This isn't a bad thing. It's just that with so many good movies coming out this summer, I had to be choosy.

That movie is: Ratatouille. And thus...becomes the first unlisted entrant into my Rankatron.

Now, we've all seen the previews: the rat is a great cook, finds an inept young man who works in a kitchen, and together they form an uber-chef of silly proportions that only Pixar can do justice.

This movie has as much heart, character, and story as Toy Story and Monsters Inc. There's a little less hilarity but all the characters have this sweet redeeming quality about them (Even the cold heartless food critic who could've been a distant cousin of the Grinch as far as personality goes). Not to say there aren't funny parts...there are...when Linguini (the young man) and Reby (the rat) try to work out how they're going to operate together, these scenes of physical comedy rival some of the stuff you'd see Chaplin do...if his body was made of half-cooked er...Linguini noodles.

Great story, great fun, great characters, DEFINITELY safe for the whole family (unless you have someone in the family creeped out by hoards of rats running out of a restaurant fridge). It was surprisingly better than I expected...but didn't blow me away either...kind of like eating a nice home cooked meal: satisfying but not spectacular...and free of rat poison (gratuitous movie joke).

I'm not as stone cold as the critic in the movie. And though there was room for improvement in Ratatouille, I give this service a 4-star rating...or, since I've got to follow my own formula and do it out of ten:

7.8 full helpings out of 10.

Your 3D Review of HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHEONIX

10:08am Saturday, Jul 14, 2007 | Edit Note | Delete

(To get the full experience of this review, place your 3D goggles on now...thank you!)

Before I get into this review...I'd like to say that this review is tainted through the eyes of someone who enjoys Harry Potter books BUT sat in the front row of the IMAX, ended up with a sore neck and butt, and had to pee like there was an Crucio curse on me. So...without further ado...

When I read Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix a few years ago, I thought that it was tight, well-written, and surprise twists all around (I won't spoil them here if you've never read the book). The movie does justice to the main plot of the book but shies away from all the secondary stories which make the books so much fun (i.e. Harry and friends preparing for their OWLS---magic exams for the uninitiated). But I understand why...if the director had chosen to include all those GREAT little details, the movie would've run 5 hours instead of 2 and a half. We just get the bare bones of the story with none of the personality...which is forgivable! Because what's there is enough.

I love the fact that the actual actors are growing up with this series. Nothing's worse than a major character being played by another actor mid-stride...it's distracting watching the movie. (Unless there's a good reason like when the wonderful Richard Harris's strong but soft spoken Dumbledore was replaced by Michael Gambon's "I'm old but I'll kick your ass" version of the headmaster after Harris passed away...I still like Harris's version better). All the actors have become so familiar with their character's that it's become old hat (or Old Sorting Hat)...and I'm starting to think that...even though they do a great job...they're starting to get complacent with them.

I disagree with a lot of reviewers out there who say that this movie has lost it's magic from the earlier ones...that's not true. If this one was the first of the series to come out, all these reviewers would be raving that this is a great dark movie. Yes, it doesn't have all the whimsy that the earlier movies do...but the movies are growing up with the kids. It's like comparing your Grade 1 experience to Grade 12. Colouring in your colouring book or learning number from flashcards are fun in grade 1 but by grade 12...all these fun things are boring replaced by other things...not less fun...just a different kind of fun. That's what this movie is like.

Special shout out to my friend Matt's friend, Tony Maudsley, as Hagrid's brother, Graup in the movie! You looked like me waking up in the morning...except with less hair. I'm now only two degrees separated from Snape (my favourite character).

Oh yeah, one other thing...don't go into the 3D IMAX experience expecting it to be that way all the way through. The 3D part only happens near the climax (though it was worth the wait)...and they give you the green "wear your glasses here" sign...so you don't have to wonder when to put them on. I found myself slightly disappointed it wasn't all the way through. (So Graup you were still 2D...but 6 stories tall...but still only 2D).

Was it the best of the series? Probably tied with Goblet of Fire. Could it have been better? Yes...but only if you wanted to have the extended 5 hour version. Was I distracted by the 3D thing, my butt pain, and the wish I had a nearby Pensieve to relieve myself into? Yes. With all that in mind I give this movie...

7.5 OWLs out of 10.

(You may now remove your 3D glasses)

I Am TRANSFORMED!

12:29pm Saturday, Jul 7, 2007 | Edit Note | Delete

Transformers was one of the most defining TV shows of my young life back in the 80s. It spawned the beginning of my imagination (those wars against Astroboy and GI Joe who where brainwashed by the Decepticons and Cobra Commander to battle the undermanned Autobots kept me in my room for hours of fun.) It was the first show that was so important to me that if this movie tainted that in anyway, I'd have to give the movie a biased review.

Luckily, it didn't destroy my childhood with a half-assed attempt to capitalize on the twenty/thirty-something male market (along with the new kids growing up now just discovering them). Instead, they pulled out a kick-ass slugfest with some of the most amazing special effects I've ever seen.

Let me put this in perspective: the CGI for the Transformers was so good, I'd put it above the effects in creating the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park. Not once was I thinking that Optimus was a detailed animation character superimposed in the real movie world. He was a full fledged character that meshed seamlessly with the rest of the story.

The action is second to none to anything else I've seen this summer...but how can you out-do giant battling robots (Sorry John McLean). But some of the fighting scenes are a blur as there's too much happening at once. Yet, these situations were few and far between.

I've got two major critiques for this movie: 1. the human characters in Transformers were flat and stereotypical (the best characters were the Autobots who were all hilarious in they're own cliche way delivery cheesy over the top lines just like in the cartoon...but I LOVED it!!!). 2. For those harcore fans of the original Transformers (I.E. me), separate yourself from the original storyline and look at this as a brand new story. They address some of the original plot points but take new liberties for the movie. For those who've never seen the original Transformers, you're in for a car-crashing rip-roaring ride.

Other than that...this is the BEST action movie I've witnessed this summer. What it suffers in character development (except the Autobots), and in plot (as there's TONS of plot holes), it more than makes up in explosions and humour. But what else do you want in a great summer movie?

8.8 Energon Cubes out of 10.

PS There's a preview for an untitled movie from JJ Abrams coming out in January that is unlike anything ever seen. It's code named Cloverfield. Check it out at my profile for the preview. That movie is going to be the talk of the rest of the summer, fall, and winter.

SICKO: Je T'aime France!

1:05pm Saturday, Jun 30, 2007 | Edit Note | Delete

Went to Michael Moore's Sicko thinking that I wouldn't come away with much since we, as Canadians, already have Universal Health Care. We all were affected by the political grudge match of the aftermath of 9/11 in Farenheit 9/11. We all could feel the sorrow and the outrage of the accessibility of guns in Bowling for Columbine. But Universal health care...medicare? I mean, we already have it...why do I need to see this movie?

Michael Moore tackles the slimy underbelly of the American Health Insurance system and compares it to other countries around the world. He proves that not only does the US have one of the worst medical systems in the industrialized world but that the insurance companies worry more about profit than approving people who need necessary treatment that here in Canada we take for granted.

Some telling examples are the lady who was approved for this treatment that would normally cost her $7000 if insurance didn't cover it. She did the treatment thinking everything was hunky-dorey. Then she gets a letter from the insurance company saying they are cancelling her policy and refusing to pay the hospital because she didn't disclose to them that she had a yeast infection in the past. Another example is of this guy who accidentally chopped off two fingers and had to decide which one he wanted to keep because he couldn't afford both.

Moore interviews people who've been in the middle of this racket (such as retired insurance workers, and this one guy who's sole job is to find any loop hole in the contract to get the insurance's money back from the customer AFTER they do treatment). And puts to rest the propaganda the US is shovelling out to their people to make them believe that universal health care is equivalent to communism. He takes us on a tour around the world to countries who have complete government paid health care stopping in Canada, Britian, and France (who gets free 24 on-call doctor service, free laundry and childcare, and unlimited paid sick leave for you to recover from your treatment).

Did you know that the terrorists at Guantanomo Bay are given free health care by the US government yet the average US citizen has to fight for their right to live?

This is only the tip of the iceberg. Moore's Sicko makes me realize how wonderful and lucky we are to live in a country where we don't have to worry about being stabbed in the back by these kind of companies, where people come before profit.

Very enlightening, humourous, and healthy summer movie.

8.9 Michael Moore baseball caps out of 10

1408: An Evil F'n Room

0:05am Sunday, Jun 24, 2007 | Edit Note | Delete

1408 isn't what you'd call your typical horror movie. It's not like any of the gorefests that have frequented the cinemas over the last few years such as Final Destination, Thirteen Ghosts...or any other "more blood equals more scary" movies that you can name. This movie is pure psychological mind f**k on the scale of The Shining (had to keep this review PG because I dropped the F-bomb once or twice the last time and felt like it was over used; on a side note, it'll be used one more time in this review). There is minimal gore...lots of blood though...you'd have to see it to understand how that could happen.

Speaking of The Shining (or as Willy would say on the Simpsons "The Shinin'"), this movie was based on a story by the master of terror, Stephen "I think all writers drink too much" King. And you can tell by the screwed up characters that even if you didn't know that, you could smell the King fourty million creepy rooms away. However, unlike his other horror stories turned movies (with the exception of the Shining), this movie doesn't suck! It doesn't stand up to The Shining but 1408 is cut from the same mold and is his best "horror" movie since. King has had a lot of other better movies from his stories like Shawshank Redemption, The Green Mile, Stand by Me...to name a few...but his horror movies never live up to his stories.

John Cusak (not normally a fan of his) does well as the writer of a series of books chronicling the most haunted hotels in America who doesn't believe in ghosts because he's never seen one. He likes to believe that there is an afterlife because his daughter passed away from a disease but he has no proof of it. This is the underlying theme of the whole movie. It's a rollicking ride through his mind as we see him teeter from disbelief in monsters to totally losing his mind and back again as he tries to make sense of everything. Though, I've always found Cusak kind of wooden here...some parts weren't that engaging.

Also, Stephen King runs through the gambit of every possible horror genre cliche (like Cusak's just dreaming, or he's drugged, or it's all in his head) to get us to the end...and there's a lot of false endings...you never know if the room still has you. At the actual ending, you're still left wondering...what if I'm still in that creepy hotel room in Scarborough back in 2000 where someone was killed a few rooms down that night? (True story)

As the show stealer Samuel L. Jackson commented: "It's just an evil f**king room." (He should've been the main character in the room...that would've put this movie over the top)

Fun freaky movie, not a lot of "jump" type scares like I was expecting...but overall, an entertaining and fast paced flic. Didn't feel the time pass at all. Wanted it more frightening though.

7 Sam Jackson gratuitous profanities out of 10.