TREMORS 4 : Three Tremors too many!

OK...these past few weeks I've been busy with various things...wondering when the new baby would arrive, fixing my car, going to the hospital for the birth of lil' Em, worrying about my physical state (turns out that I'm still ok), and learning how to care for a little child (it's awesome when they cuddle up to you...)...during these past 4 weeks, I always found myself up at about 2am on Friday watching the Space channel's Friday Fright movie.

Three weeks ago it was Tremors. You all remember Tremors right? It was that 1990 horror flic starring Kevin Bacon, Kris Kristofferson, Reba McIntyre, and Michael Gross (Michael Keaton from Family Ties fame). It involved this little run down town in the middle of the desert called Perfection that ended up getting terrorized by these giant elephant-sized man-eating car-crushing house-demolishing worms that lived underground. They hunted by feeling the vibrations of where you walked. Great flick! Scary the first time you see it. And incredibly creative. Recommend it for anyone who hasn't seen it.

Two weeks ago, on the same channel I find Tremors 2:Aftershock. I've seen this "straight to video" movie before expecting a good time...my first clue that it wasn't going to be a wild ride was that the only star to reprise a role was Michael Gross. We're in the same town again. This time the underground monsters are back...this time they're called Graboids (horrible name)...and this time the worms turn out to just be pods that give birth to packs of these two legged hyena things that hunt by sound only. Yes...it gets worse. These little two legged things multiply a la Gremlins except when you feed them...and that they apparently can sense heat like infrared. So...this was a bad movie that should've killed the series...it didn't...it got much worse.

One week ago: I'm surprised to see Tremors 3: Back to Perfection. Michael Gross is back in Perfection to find that the town has gone Graboid crazy!!! The town has turned into a cheap promotion spot luring tourists to catch a glimpse of the worms like looking for whales on the ocean. So the worms are back...so are the little hyena things...and THEY mutate into these flying creatures which are called...I couldn't make this up..."Ass-Blasters" because they can now fly and shoot fire from their butts. It ends with the last Ass-Blaster being eaten by a friendly albino Graboid...yes...you read that right. That should've been the end of this crazy series...but it wasn't...sigh...

Tonight...lo and behold...Tremors 4: The Legend Begins. But it really shouldn't have. We go back to somewhere in the 1800s and the town of Perfection (called Rejection) has a silver mine owned by the ancestor of Michael Gross's earlier character...also played by Michael Gross. The mine is attacked by the worms for the first time EVER!!! (Forget about the first movie that was supposed to be the first time...this one is the REAL first forgotten time) Yep...predictable...boring...and I can't believe I watched the whole thing...and a little part of me has died inside.

And get this!!! There's a Tremors 5 in the works...if there's a God in Heaven...or some kind of higher being watching over us like the Director in the Truman Show...or a grand and great Wizard of Oz...please oh please don't let this movie happen...I beg of you!!!!

End rant.

RUSH HOUR 3: Three Times Rushier

Now...this is a movie to end my summer list on.

OK. So we've got a fifty-something martial arts star who moves better than your average twenty year old, a sometimes funny comedian who does a bang on Michael Jackson impression, stunts that would make you cringe, and a lot of broken english, french, and Cantonese...mix this all in a bowl...and what have you got? If you said Jackie Chan's new movie Rush Hour 3, you read the title of this review.

I like Jackie Chan...let me get that out of the way first. Ever since Rumble in the Bronx (and classics like Legend of the Drunken Master), he's been my go-to guy for action. I won't even deduct points for his singing ability. "He sings?" You say. Yes, sez I. He's been a fixture in Hong Kong new years parties for years...and he sings in this movie...in English! And it's pretty bad...but it works because Chan still milks it with comic precision.

However, he appears to have lost a step with his martial arts skills. Either that or he didn't want to try as hard this time around. Either way, watch any of his other movies for better action sequences.

Christ Tucker, on the other hand, shines in this movie. This is his best portrayal of the "cop/duck out of water" role. He even dishes out some nifty one-liners like "Don't make me kick the puberty out of you." (funnier in context). And the mildly amusing exchange between Tucker, Sensei Yu, and one of his students named Mi is reminiscent of the old Abbot and Costello's Who's On First routine. Also, Tucker seems to have picked up a LOT of martial arts skills since we last saw him (probably helped along with clever editing and sped up filming)...still, it makes him look good.

Question is: would this movie been successful without Jackie Chan? No!!! He gets you in the door to watch it. Would this movie been successful without Tucker? Hell no! In this movie, Tucker's the reason you stay in your seat. But if this was five years ago, Jackie alone would've carried this movie.

One last noodler: Has Jackie's star begun to fall? I'd say yes but it doesn't mean he still can't give you a good ride like in this movie...but wait for the rental.

Overall rating: 7 Jackie Chan broken bones out of 10

An Overcooked Pile of Bean

My last movie of the summer...my final hurrah to close out this year's list...I wanted to go out with a bang...I thought that a movie with an old favourite was a safe bet.

Well...I was wrong...sadly.

After watching Mr. Bean's Holiday, it has become painfully obvious that the once fresh, hilarious, and tasty Mr. Bean has grown old and stale. The once lovable character who we adore because of his bumbling pantomime way of over-complicating simple tasks has been reduced to a thoughtless rude but still oblivious bumbling fool. In Bean's hey-day, Rowan Atkinson successfully made this character endearing but those moments are few and far between here.

The movie follows Mr. Bean on his trip to Cannes where he meets this boy on a train who's lost his dad (thanks to the inconsiderate mishaps of Bean). The story follows Bean trying to reunite the kid to his father who's also a judge at the Cannes Film Festival. All the while Bean videos every misstep on a digital video camera he's won (with the world's LARGEST memory card I gather...since he's videotaping several days straight).

Not to say there aren't some sweet funny parts in the movie. Two notables are the ending when his video is spliced into an big headed director's (Willem Dafoe of Spiderman's Goblin fame) indy film, and when Bean is dancing in a farmer's market to raise money to get him and the kid to Cannes.

However, Mr. Bean is better served in small doses and doesn't translate well on the big screen. Mr. Bean's Holiday is still a better flic than his last horrendous one in the 90's, but if you want to see Mr. Bean in his prime, take the time and watch some of his classic shorts...I'd recommend the Christmas one where he gets his head caught in a turkey...exactly how I'd like to remember him.

4.2 cans of Bean out of 10.

PS To make up for this poor last movie, I'm going back to watch Rush Hour 3...it couldn't be any worse right?

The Ultimate: Bourne or not to Bourne?

So it's usually a bad idea to jump into a movie series third one in. You get this feeling of "WTF?" and feel like you're spending the whole movie catching up.

That's what I felt like in this third installment of the Bourne series. This isn't a bad thing...just a fault of my own going in because this is one heck of a crazy action movie. Now let me take you back a few years (cue jazzy background music):

The year 2002...or 2003...forget which. The location...my living room in Brampton, Ontario. Nineteen floors up on a crisp spring evening. I pop in the first Bourne movie: The Bourne Identity. I don't do this because I thought the previews were intriguing. No. I wasn't a Matt Damon fan...and I couldn't take him seriously as an action star after his affiliation with Kevin Smith (Chasing Amy, and Dogma). I marked him as a talented yet moderately interesting celebrity. No...Matt Damon was not the reason I popped in the movie. I put it in because I loved the book. I enjoyed the premise of a guy waking up with no memory but all these skills to survive and thwart enemies. A book I read back in high school after I picked up an old 1970's copy at a used book store.
So I start to watch and find myself wondering if they should've renamed the movie the "Bored Identity". I didn't even finish the first one.
Because of this I skipped Bourne Supremacy and planned on skipping this one too.

Back to present: A couple good friends invite us out to see it. Their enthusiasm was tough to dismiss...maybe I was wrong about these movies?

The verdict: Exceptionally entertaining. Intense action. And Matt Damon can pull off a bonafide action star...I even thought at one point that Jason Bourne would be the one person on Earth capable of out bad-assing Jack Bauer of 24...and that's a level I don't through around lightly (See my review on Live Free or Die Hard).

One recommendation though: Either watch the other two movies or read the books before going in. You don't want to play catch up for this one. But even if you haven't followed the story up to this one, at least you'll be entertained with action sequences with an intensity the likes of which you've never seen.

Now excuse me while I go a borrow Bourne Supremacy and Bourne Identity to give those a second try...

7.6 memory flashbacks out of 10 (For those who hadn't seen the previous two movies)

8.5 overthrown conspirators out of 10 (For those who have)

Avg: 8.05 Matt Damon grimaces out of 10

SUPERBAD...or Knocked Up: The Prequel

12:40am Monday, Aug 20, 2007 | Edit Note | Delete

To call "Superbad" this generation's "American Pie" is to be generous...but there are a LOT of similarities...and that doesn't mean this isn't funny. Superbad is a freakin' riot! I would put it on the same level as Knocked Up but with good reason: it's written by the same guy, Seth Rogan.

As matter of fact, the main character's in both movies (Ben played by Seth Rogan in "Knocked up"; and Seth played by Jonah Hill as a young Seth Rogan in "Superbad") could be the same guy...except one is a juvenile, pot smoking, beer guzzling, sex loving partier...and the other is in Superbad (Hey-oooo!!!).

Seriously, Superbad has scenes that could rival American Pie in hilarity (anything involving McLovin is brilliant), grossness (the er...not so subtle nod to a lady's monthlies), and one scene that steals the show (the thing I'd like to call "The Penis Montage").

However, there's a lot of heart in this movie. Behind all the crassness of being a teen trying to get drunk and laid, this is a buddy movie between two best friends. A sort of Thelma and Louise for teenage guys. Seth (the character) and Evan (his best friend) engage in an adventure to overcome young awkwardness around girls and strive for that holy grail. Do they get there? You've got to watch the movie.

Like in Knocked Up (and American Pie), there are a lot of strong female characters from Evan's crush, Becca, to Seth's target, Jules, as the girl throwing the party. These aren't cookie cutter girls just thrown in for plot. They're both nice rounded characters.

The one character that steals the show is McLovin (real name: Ed Fogel) played by Chris Mintz-Plasse. Every scene he is in is brilliant. He's the modern day Garth Algar thrown into a situation where he has to overcome his shy awkwardness and win the day (aka get booze). He shares most of his scenes with two hilarious and inept cops (played by Seth Rogan and SNL's Bill Hader) who use McLovin to recapture their youth one last time.

Superbad and Knocked Up could be completely interchangeable on the humour level. Both are great funny movies. What would make one funnier than the other is your demographic: if you're still in high school or university or still likes to party, Superbad is funnier. If you're a little older or about to start a family, Knocked Up would be your cup of tea. Still either way, neither one of them should be for kids...and you can't lose with either one.

8.5 McLovins out of 10

BEST...MOVIE...EVER!

From the opening credits where Homer stands up in a movie theatre declaring, "Why would anyone pay to see something that they can get for free on TV?" Then looks directly at the audience...I knew this was going to be something special. I felt like what Bart must've felt like to see the Itchy and Scratchy Movie (who, by the way, makes an appearance along with pretty much everyone else in Springfield). I felt like I was watching a defining movie of my generation.

The Simpsons movie not only lived up to my overbloated Comic-Book Guy expectations...it provided a seamless storyline riddled with machine-gun-like humour that I came to expect and love from the Simpsons. No avenue is safe from Homer, Bart, Lisa, Marge, and Maggie. Taking jabs at Al Gore ("An Irritating Truth"), President Bush ("I've been elected to lead, not read"), and organized religion ("There are no answers in this book."), you'll find yourself laughing like Dr. Hibbert.

Now...I'd love to go on a quote-fest from the movie...and like any great Simpsons episode...this won't take away from anything because the beauty of the Simpsons is that you can watch it over and over again without getting tired (at least Seasons 1-9). The delivery is so perfect. Having said that, I'm not going to quote every line of the movie...some things just deserve to be a surprise (sorry, Tara).

No funny movie since Office Space (or maybe as far back as Wayne's World) will spawn a slew of catchphrases which will be heard until the end of time. Such as "Spider-Pig" or "Thank you, Boob-lady!" or Ralph saying "I like men now." Or Bart: "This is the worst day of my life." and Homer replying "This is the worse day of your life SO FAR." (OK...I promise...I'll stop the quotes.)

So, if you're a fan of the Simpsons, irreverent satirical humour, or just like a good funny story with a lot of heart, this one's for you.

Just a side note to the writers: Writers...if you could pull off a brilliant piece of comic hilarity like this gem that would rival any early episode, why don't you invest some of that talent in the current episodes?

One last thing: stay during the credits...consider yourselves warned.

9.7 frames of Bart's Doodle out of 10 (consider yourselves warned again)

RATATOUILLE: A dish best served with popcorn

7:38pm Wednesday, Jul 18, 2007

Every once and awhile, a movie sneaks on to the list that I didn't intend on seeing. A movie that for some reason or another presented itself in a way where I don't have to spend money to watch it (someone offers to pay for the theatre ticket, ect...). A movie that I was borderline to add to the official list but decided to cut because I didn't have enough interest. This isn't a bad thing. It's just that with so many good movies coming out this summer, I had to be choosy.

That movie is: Ratatouille. And thus...becomes the first unlisted entrant into my Rankatron.

Now, we've all seen the previews: the rat is a great cook, finds an inept young man who works in a kitchen, and together they form an uber-chef of silly proportions that only Pixar can do justice.

This movie has as much heart, character, and story as Toy Story and Monsters Inc. There's a little less hilarity but all the characters have this sweet redeeming quality about them (Even the cold heartless food critic who could've been a distant cousin of the Grinch as far as personality goes). Not to say there aren't funny parts...there are...when Linguini (the young man) and Reby (the rat) try to work out how they're going to operate together, these scenes of physical comedy rival some of the stuff you'd see Chaplin do...if his body was made of half-cooked er...Linguini noodles.

Great story, great fun, great characters, DEFINITELY safe for the whole family (unless you have someone in the family creeped out by hoards of rats running out of a restaurant fridge). It was surprisingly better than I expected...but didn't blow me away either...kind of like eating a nice home cooked meal: satisfying but not spectacular...and free of rat poison (gratuitous movie joke).

I'm not as stone cold as the critic in the movie. And though there was room for improvement in Ratatouille, I give this service a 4-star rating...or, since I've got to follow my own formula and do it out of ten:

7.8 full helpings out of 10.